


At Least They'll Never Give You Up

by smolonde



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, but i tried to put as little detail as i could, kind of nsfw, there's one somewhat sexy scene, this is the funniest shit i have ever written
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-30
Updated: 2015-06-30
Packaged: 2018-04-07 01:06:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4243647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smolonde/pseuds/smolonde
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The time a meme almost ruined Dirk Strider's life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	At Least They'll Never Give You Up

Your name is Dirk Strider, and you are about to play one of your favorite pranks on your boyfriend.

You have set up your laptop in the middle of the room, the mouse about to click on a YouTube link. Of course, curiosity will get the better of Caliborn, and he’ll walk up to the laptop and click the link, or at least hover over it. If he does the latter, the hover text will read “The best song ever composed”, and that’ll pique his interest enough to click on the link. And when he does…..

Your malicious thoughts are put to an abrupt end when Caliborn opens the door to your apartment, and you dive behind your couch. You peek out at the dark-skinned figure entering the room, and you smirk evilly as he sits down at the computer. Just as you predicted, his brow creases, and he hovers over the link. After a moment, he clicks it, and the song starts playing. You hold back gales of laughter as Caliborn sits there, confused as hell.

_We’re no strangers to love_

_You know the rules and so do I_

Caliborn doesn’t look mad, just intrigued. Your eyebrows raise, then you decide to wait for a bit. Maybe he’s only ever heard the chorus. When it starts playing, you pop up from behind the couch and start to sing along.

_Never gonna give you up_

_Never gonna let you down_

_Never gonna turn around and desert you_

Caliborn looks at you in surprise, then turns back around and continues to watch Rick Astley dance.

“What the hell?” you mutter, thoroughly confused, as Caliborn starts to smile. By the end of the song, he’s happily tapping his toe to the beat.

“Wow, Strider, I thought you had shit taste in music. That song was really damn good.”

“What?” You’re pretty sure that he’s now bookmarking the webpage.

“That song is so catchy! I can’t believe I’ve never heard it before.”

“Wait. You’ve never been Rick Rolled. Never.”

“What is rick rolling?” He looks at you, genuinely confused, and you throw your hands up into the air.

“Whatever, bro.”

And you walk out of the room, slightly put off by the fact that your prank didn’t work. Maybe you should just leave the pranking to Jane.

                                                                                *****

You walk into the building, tired from the work that you’ve done all day. Co-running a record label is hard enough, but when you add some annoying patrons who don’t know basic manners, it becomes downright unbearable.

When you walk to the front desk, the concierge looks up at you, his eyes showing a world of irritation.

“Mr. Strider. A word, please?” His eyebrows knit together.

“Yeah, sure, what’s up?”

“In the last six hours, I have received five noise complaints from other tenants saying that there is loud music playing from your apartment. I assume your boyfriend,” he rolls his eyes when he says the word, probably referring to how much of an asshole Caliborn is to the apartment staff “is to blame for this. Straighten it out, will you?”  
“Yes sir, right away.” You take the elevator up, and when you reach your floor, you hear strains of a very familiar song.

“Oh my god.” You open the door to your apartment, and there, with a gigantic speaker system plugged into the wall, is Caliborn. He is belting a chorus, not yet having spotted you.

“Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna turn around and desert you!” Caliborn’s singing is cut off by the plug being pulled from the wall, and he turns to see you looking at him in absolute horror.

“Dude, there have been a shitload of noise complaints filed. Did it not occur to you that having a huge speaker in a fairly small apartment building isn’t exactly wise? And for god’s sake, why that song?”

Caliborn shrugs and groans in irritation. “You’re such a killjoy. Look, I cleaned the apartment. Are you gonna thank me, or…”

Well, you guess you can let this sleeping dog lie for a bit.

                                                                                *******

The drama dies down for three days, and you’re thinking that you should be pretty safe on this day of all days.

“Happy anniversary, Stridass.”

“Same to you.”

The two of you clink shot glasses and down their contents in the blink of an eye. Caliborn coughs, then addresses you.

“I got a surprise for you.”

“Yeah?”

“So Callie thought that an anniversary present was romantic and shit, and she said I should get you one. I’m too lazy to go anywhere except work, though, so I made you a mixtape of the sexiest songs I could find. And I figured, now would be a damn good time to put it to the test.”

“Really? Well, I guess you’d better bring it on.” You stand, facing him, and you lean in for a kiss, but he grabs you by the collar and pins you against the wall, his lips on your neck, and both of you start to strip in your rush towards the bedroom.

Caliborn pops the CD into the player, and “I Wanna Be Yours” by the Arctic Monkeys is the first thing to come on. You are kissing rather aggressively by this point, both of you stripped to your boxers, and you can feel him starting to get a boner. However, you like to draw it out as much as possible, so you keep kissing until the song is over, and when the next plays, you collapse into the bed.

Three songs pass, and you’re getting to the good stuff, Caliborn thrusting into you as “For your Entertainment” plays. The song ends, and you moan into the pillow, feeling yourself get so, _so_ close, and…..

_We’re no strangers to love_

_You know the rules and so do I_

“What the fuck?” you yell, scrambling away from Caliborn, who is still mid-thrust. You feel your boner go flaccid instantly, and Caliborn stares at you, obviously confused.

“What? Did I hurt you or something?”

You shake your head no, angrily pointing at the stereo. “Are you kidding me right now? Caliborn, why the hell did you put _that_ on the playlist?”

He shrugs. “It reminds me of you. I get off to it all the time.”

Your jaw drops, your eyes wide with horror. “Jesus fucking Christ on a stick, Cal. What even are you thinking?”

Caliborn shrugs. “Look, can we just get back to the sex?”

You get out of bed, hopping into your boxers and a shirt. “Yeah, I’m thinking that I’m gonna sleep on the couch tonight.”

 

Roxy snorts over the line. “He did _what?”_

“Damn it, Roxy, it’s not funny! First of all, he doesn’t even know what a rick roll is, and he genuinely likes the song. Next, we get complaints about the song from five of our neighbors, and now he’s using it during sex? You’re my fucking sister, at LEAST give me some support here.” You’re yelling into the phone, pissed beyond belief.

“All right, Dirk. Quit your yelling, you know what I’m gonna say.”

“Yeah? What’s that?”

There’s a moment of silence on the line, then Roxy speaks again. “Well, I’m….Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna turn around—“

“FUCK!” you yell into the line, then slam the phone back onto the hook.

                                                                                *****

The next morning starts out the same as usual, and you wave a grumpy goodbye to Caliborn as you go off to work. He’s still pissed that you left him with blue balls, but he and you are both considerably calmer after sleeping.

When you get into work, Dave has a headset ready for you.

“I got an audio byte from our newest clientele, and I think you should hear it. Y’know, to see if we should add them to the label or not.”

You take the headset out of his hands and slip it over your ears, sighing. “This is a nice break from every goddamn crazy person I have to deal with right now.”

And Dave presses play. You sit down, ready to relax, and…

_We’re no strangers to love_

_You know the rules, and so do I_

“God fucking DAMN IT!” Dave is, quite literally, rolling on the floor laughing. You throw the headset down, cursing up a storm, and Dave collapses against the wall, laughing.

“I can’t believe she told you! You’re fucking insane. All of you.” You round on him, shoving your finger in his face.

“Take the rest of the day off, little bro, I think you’re gonna need it.” Tears are streaming from his eyes.

And you storm out of the studio, trying to get the peals of laughter out of your ears.

                                                                ******

Quite literally, the only place you feel safe is at Rose’s house right now. She and Roxy aren’t as close as Dave and Roxy are, so you imagine that Roxy hasn’t called her.

Rose opens the door, and you sit down on the loveseat in her living room. “Goddamn it, Rose, I’m going crazy. Dave, Roxy, and Caliborn are driving me up the wall. Caliborn doesn’t even know he’s doing it, but the other two are assholes!”

Rose pats you soothingly on the shoulder. “It’s all right, little brother, you’re safe with me.”

You slump down on the couch, blocking out the sunlight with your hand. “So, what’s new with you and Kanaya?”

“Oh, well, we just installed a house-wide speaker system. It’s all the rage these days.” She potters around above the fireplace.

“That’s interesting.” You yawn, starting to sink into the warmth of the couch, closing your eyes, and starting to drift away….

_We’re no strangers to love_

_You know the rules and so do I_

You jump up off the couch in alarm to see Rose eyeing you and smirking full force. “Sorry, brother, I just couldn’t pass up such a marvelous opportunity.”

You sink your head into your hands again, then get up and leave, shooting Rose the finger on the way out.

                                                                *******

Today is the day. After almost two weeks of Astley-induced torture, you finally have a plan. A plan to get back at every single one of them. Caliborn and your siblings will feel your wrath.

You’ve been booby-trapping your apartment, making sure the lights are dim enough that they don’t see the canola oil that you’ve spilled all over the floor. You’re so ready. Your eyes are afire with fury and horror. They are going to pay.

You’ve planned so that Caliborn and your siblings arrive at your place at the exact same time; Caliborn will open the door, and Dave, Roxy, Rose and him will walk through the door, and….

You’ve got the speakers set to maximum volume; all you have to do is switch it on, and the only thing between you and victory is the door, which begins to open as Caliborn fits the key into the lock.

And you dive behind the couch again, the switch for the speaker in your hand.                  

Roxy, Dave, Rose, and Caliborn walk into the room. Roxy looks around and speaks up. “Where the hell is Dirk?”  
“It would seem he hasn’t arrived yet,” says Rose as she makes her way towards the couch. “He might still be at—whoa!”

All four of them slip on the oil in a moment of glory, landing on the perfectly placed carpet. And you hit the button.

_Mmm whatcha say_

_Oh that you only meant well, well of course you did_

_Mmm whatcha say_

_Oh, that it’s all for the best, of course it is_

You pop up from behind the couch, laughing maniacally. “How does it feel, _fuckers?_ Eat my entire ass! Not just a little piece, the whole goddamn thing. Ha! I won! Fuckin’ BURN!”

Rose looks to Dave, Dave to Roxy, and Roxy to Caliborn. And suddenly, they all break into a grin.

Why are they smiling? You just got them so good.

Rose looks back at Dave, a sneaky smile on her face. “Why, Dave, I don’t think I’ve ever heard this song before. It’s quite tuneful.”

Dave nods. “Yeah, it’s real catchy. Roxy, have you heard it before?”

Roxy grins, shrugging. “Hmm… It doesn’t ring a bell. Caliborn?”

And he grins at you in an absolutely evil fashion. “Never heard it in my life.”

And in one horrifying, godforsaken moment, the four of them chorus. “Mmm whatcha say, oh, that you only meant well, well of course you did.”

Later on, you find out that the neighbors have filed more noise complaints because of anguished screams coming from your apartment.


End file.
